my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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