Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
