Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
