she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
