Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
do nipples grow back?
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