I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
