Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
