I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize