I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
