I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
