there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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