Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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