The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
