just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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