i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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