Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize