My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
