im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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