Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
