If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
