CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
