i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
