this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You made out with two different species that night
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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