I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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