M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
