So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
