Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
