You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize