**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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