Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
