aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
