Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sext me about skeletons
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
