Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
