my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
