u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
