god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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