i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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