she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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