thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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