so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
