In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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