I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
