my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
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