His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
