I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
