Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
