He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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