so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize