my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
