remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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