I'm going to jail i love you
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
