wanna go halves on a baby?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize