alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Small penises have feelings too.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
