I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
