Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
